Burnout

Here's a really scary place to get to. It's one of those places that comes into view slowly and surreptitiously. When you're there the exits are hidden. There's warning signs along the way but once you notice, the main path has long veered out of sight. My indicators were a heck of a lot of overtime over a 2-year period. And the hours I spent working increased towards the end of my meltdown. 

I was aware burnout was coming but it was increasingly challenging for me to vocalise that concern. That was one of the most lonely places I found myself in. Burnout shows up differently based on personality type. I was using alcohol everyday as a means to cope. Sometimes that did look hilarious. But more often than not I think I was starting to scare people that were close to me. There's a place where you lose control and it's very hard to regain that ground. 

I had a holiday and I felt anxious every morning from waking up. When lunch arrived and it was the socially accepted time to have a drink, I did. It was amazing how much better I would feel after having booze. Who wants to build a dream based on alcohol fuelling it? That's a very flaky thing to build. Other stuff that were red flags: I felt very weepy at the drop of a hat; I felt like I was living under a microscope; it was hard to organise my thoughts. My heart was beating rapidly at certain periods during the day. I was scared I might have a heart attack. There was no sense of pace or balance in my life. I knew trying to see my GP wasn't the solution. How I was operating, was the source of all this stress. 

Having to step away from it was really hard. But I knew my health and sanity mattered more. When I stepped away all the adrenaline left my body. Physically I crashed. Simple tasks like walking somewhere a short distance would take a very long time and a lot of energy. I was scared that I had damaged myself permanently. But for the grace of God I hadn't. I just needed to stop and draw distance from the lifestyle I was in.